Who Writes This Stuff?

Having caught most of "Cheaper By the Dozen" after returning home today, I have to ask, who actually thinks this stuff makes sense?

First off, Evanston is not at all the way it's shown in this movie. Clearly, the moviemakers, like most moviemakers, have never been to Evanston. Otherwise, they might know that the Big Ten team there is the Northwestern Wildcats and that no coach can save our team. Also, they might realize that Evanston is not a town full of ridiculously rich people. Some people may have money, especially if they live by the lake, but most people who would be able to afford a place like the house in the movie would find that place in Kennilworth.

And second, it's impossible to like these kids. Cute? Yeah freaking right. We're talking a bunch of spoiled brats here. In a family of that size, you'd think they wouldn't all act like stereotypical only children. Honestly, kids in a real 12-kid family would not be demanding so much attention. When they ask for the millionth time why Dad, who's coaching that fake Big Ten football team, is "never around," you just want to shake them, screaming, "Who would want to be around people bent on making my life miserable for the sake of the camera?!?" And then you'd want to point out that the Big Ten football team has basically moved into the house so that Dad can be around 24/7. Not that that makes a difference to kids so absorbed in themselves.

And then! Let's repeat after me: Kids aren't smarter than their parents. Forget the cutesy sitcom cliches. What these kids need is a good dose of "I'm right, and you don't know what you're talking about because you are eight!" When Hilary Duff began dispensing wisdom about Dad losing control of the house from her perch reading a fashion magazine in bed, I thought my eyes would roll out of my head. Heaven forbid she get up off her fashionably attired tush and help Dad out around the house while Mom was away on her book tour -- her mere two-week book tour, for pity's sake. Same goes for Mr. Superman-on-The-WB, who only makes appearances to tell Dad how he's being neglected or to tinker with cars while shirtless. Heaven forbid he tinker with some pots on the stove to help make dinner while Mom the slave is away.

And please, domestic services aren't going to turn down potential clients because there happen to be a dozen kids in the house (though in this case, there's actually only 11 -- one has moved out). If anything, they'll just charge more. And what agency would turn down more money?

Do you know what the crowning point of this ridiculous setup is though? It's when, at the very end, after Dad's given up his dream coaching job in order to be around the house more as the ever-wise kids demand, these same kids, when informed by Mother that Father is giving up the job, start offering to give up all kinds of things so that Dad won't give up the job he loves -- the one thing they've been insisting he do throughout the film!

I don't buy it for a second.